Joker's Smile
by Abi2
Summary: The joker wants someone... Wants to be noticed... But why be noticed when the one you want doesn't care?
1. Chapter 1

There's something in the way that you're looking at me. Something in your eyes that draws me in, drowning in your soul. Your pain, your anger. You make me feel so complete. So happy. At the same time you make me feel alone. Loved, but so far, far away from the things, the people that I love. That love me.

Love me- your eyes scream. You reach out for the next one. Holding on until they fly away. An escape from overwhelming love. Lust. Control. You.

Hurt me- your eyes whisper, sultry and commanding. I'm here for you're pleasure, your pain. You cannot keep me, because the more you try to, the more it hurts you. You can look into the eyes of your chosen, and see the unadulterated lust, fear. They want your body. Your heart. Your fear. They get that, and then leave. You cling, until someone says to let go.

You can't-- can you?

No.

Hate me- only you can't see that in your eyes. That takes knowing you. Talking to you. Only then can you realize that you only do this because you want them to hate you. You want the fire of their hate. You need it to keep going. To stay alive. To stay sane.

Look at me then. What do you see in my eyes? Those soul searching, silently screaming eyes. Those betrayors of secrets, purveyors of lies. Demons in plain sight. My eyes will ache with the lonliness of a crowd. Will laugh with the subtly of the humor in a glance. The ridicule, and the unease. The laughter.

Shining overbright with pain, tears.

Longing to be with you.

Even if you don't understand.

Even if all you understand is that I want to hold on for all I'm worth, with everything I am.

Not much, but all I can give you.

And you'd never see the pain, the tears, the saddness until you stopped looking, and started seeing.

See me, then look for me.

I'm in here somewhere, come find me.

"To know you is to hate you, so loving you must be like suicide." A line from a song, for a truth. To know you, is to hate you. But to know you is to love you, and to always want you to be there. And loving you really is like suicide. I'll always be here though. Because if I did die, who would come look for me in hell. Who would shatter my dreams of heaven and live with me in hell?

No one. Not even you. So should I still love you? If every moment it's like commiting suicide?

Yes.

I'm a masochist, what can I say?

"Everybody loves a joke, but no one likes a fool." Isn't that what I am? The fool. The one that no body wants to admit they only stick around for the jokes. The laughter at someone else's expense. As long as it is someone else's expense. The joker's maybe? Yesyesyes. Always the Joker's expense. Dance monkey, dance.

"And you're always cracking the same old lines again. You're well rehearsed in every verse and that was stated clear but no one understands your verity." Hehehehehe. Maybe they don't see through all the jokes, the lies. They're all the same. The same punch lines, over and over and over. But they always laugh. If they notice them at all.

Did you hear the one about... Nevermind... It isn't that great anyways...

"You're a figment of you're own imagination."

Huh, really? Doc, I'd like a new mirror, this one's all cracked up.

Buh-duhn-chh. I made a funny.


	2. Chapter 2

Doc, Doc I can't find myself. I keep disappearing... Got nowhere to run to though. Can't figure it out. Where am I? I laugh, I joke, I fight. Is that it? Did I not fight well enough? Did I not do well enough for you? Did you even see me? Were you there?

32 confirmed kills. Hehehe... Not that I'm counting. And that was just today. That doesn't include tomorrow, and yesterday. But it doesn't matter. You're still not looking. The urge to laugh overwhelms, but there's nothing to laugh about. I'm in the corner of the bathroom.Playing hide and seek. But no one knows where to find me. They'll keep looking...

But wait... I haven't heard them in a while... Do they even remember that we're playing? Or were we playing? Was it just me, thinking that they would listen to me as I talked about it. Did they not understand? Or did they ignore me, just ignored me like always. Like usual.

I'm looking at the mirror. When did it break? Was it broken when we got here? No. I think it broke when I hit it. Or maybe I just THOUGHT I hit it. Or maybe I'm imagining that it's broken. Nope, broken. I can see the blood on my knuckles. But no one else can see the blood on my knuckles. My hands. My arms, legs, feet, head. I'm drowning in it. I have to get it to go away, but no one can find me to help me. They're all out there, dealing with their Gundams, dealing with their own lives. No one needs to look in on Maxwell, he's just fine. Listen to him laugh up there, reading a dirty dojinshi. Maybe he's just laughing to hear something that isn't screaming.

Yep. That's it. No screaming when you can't hear it because you can't shut up cause then they'd notice that the screaming has started and oh kami... When did it get so bad? Why do they keep screaming!

There, I can show them. I can scream louder than they can. Oops... Now they'll want to know why you're screaming. Thinkthinkthink...

It was just a... a... a bee. Can't stand bees. They buzzbuzzbuzz all the time. No, I am not like a bee buzzing all the time. I talk, not buzz. Don't laugh oh kami don't laugh. I can't take it... okay, you aren't laughing.

Wait, you never laugh. So why am I so scared? Oh yeah. Your eyes. They kinda do this crinkly thing when you're thinking about laughing. or talking. But not always. Sometimes you get this little glowing in there, and I can see your soul lifting out of the muck, the blood. Flying away, like a miniature Wing. I'd paint Wing green-blue. Just for fun. To see what you would do. Green like your tank, blue like your eyes.

You're looking at me. Is there something on my face? I absently wipe at the blood on my face, but there isn't really blood there. It's all in my head. But isn't everything in my head? Solo, Father Maxwell, Shinigami, Sister Helen, Foxy, Dan, Dreamer, Scary, Kiley, Janice, Sivia...

Nononono! No! Get out! My head is too full. So full of people, of blood. Smoke, debris. Lots and lots of people. WHy won;t anyone ask why there are so many people talking all at once. Oh yeah, they can't hear them. They fight in my head. They're only quiet when I fight. So maybe I should fight some more. Mission? Mission? New mission you say. Or don't say. You kinda grunt and I translate. Suck the drying blook off my knuckes, try to get it all together again. I only breakdown like this when I'm quiet. Need to talk. Sing. Dance. Die. Diediediedie. Oh kami.

The mission requires three... I'm in. Explosives, infiltration. That's me! I'm so good at that. We'll need some of this and this and that.

I know, I know. Shut up Maxwell.

But that isn't me. I'm not Maxwell. Maxwell's dead. They all are. So am I, but I'm still alive. Funny, but not really. I laugh anyways. See, that's why they won't talk to you. They know that you only laugh like that when you're about to blow something up. Which you are.

Hehehehe...

Shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutup...

Did you hear the one about...

Buh-duhn-chh...

Boom. Boom. Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven. Hehehe... Fourteen, fifteen... The blood... Blood burns, it explodes at high enough temperatures. I wonder if I'd explode at high enough temperatures? I do know that I'll explode if I don't move in the next twenty seconds.

Shut up Solo! I do want to move, really. Fifteen, fourteen...

Heh, made it just in the nick of time, right guys? Guys? Oh yeah, we're supposed to meet at the safehouse. Got it. I wonder why it's so warm in here.

Hehehe... I know that I'm crazy, but I swear I don't see stuff. Not the pretty lights that are dancing across my screen. Oh wait, that's my eyes. Not my screen. Hehehe. I'm hurt... No blood on my knuckes. But the blood around my head is slowly draining away. I can breathe again, but only just. The bullet in my side kinda makes it hard to breathe properly.

Oh Heero, didn't know you cared. Good to know that you can stitch me up and STILL be an asshole. But that's why I love you.

Oops.

You're looking at me odd. I guess I'm saying things I don;t mean too. Oh well. This might be my only chance to not see that ice in your eyes.

Love you...


	3. Chapter 3

I'm feeling better Doc. Much better. Only I can't feel anything. So does that make it better, or worse? I don't think I want to feel anything. Am I dead? No, I can still hear them, around me. They talk, but only just enough to keep me from really believing the truth.

I am dead. In heart. In spirit. But not in mind. Nonono, they make sure I keep going. Keep moving. Keep fighting. Because if I didn't keep fighting. If I just decided to let it all go...

Nonononono... I'm not thinking like that. Anymore. I'm already dead, I'm just waiting for the right time to tell them. Maybe in a big explosion. I like explosions. They kill everyone. They open you up. Split you apart. Leave you to die in the arms of your friends. Or they kill your friends too.

I was never so lucky.

But they came with me, didn't they. Hush you. They did. They decided that they didn't want to be dead yet and so they came to make sure that I won't leave so that I'll fight and then they'll be avenged and then I can die quietly in a loud bang.

Gunshots can be loud. That's why I like them. A controlled explosion. Not like Nitro, or C-4. Those are only sorta controlled. Like them. Or me. But a gun, what a wonderful invention. It can blast away a single hole out of you, or your entire life. I wonder if my brain would be nicer on the wall there...

Then Solo and them... They'd be gone... Gone forever. Or at least until they found me again.

Sigh. Anyone still out there? After that gunshot I heard, I certainly hope it wasn't something bad. Cause I don't feel like moving. Even if I could.

I told Heero one of my secrets... But he doesn't understand it. He doesn't understand that he's the only one keeping me sane. Sort of. He makes me go all mushy inside, but not in a bad way. In the way that makes them shut up while I fantasize about kissing him. Mr. I-self-destruct-for-fun Yuy. What a great idea, huh? They think not. They think I'm crazy (well duh) for picking someone who's more likely to die than me. They keep screaming at me to get over it. Listen to them, and forget him...

I don't want to forget him. My life. My Heero. Hahaha, another well executed joke by Duo Maxwell. I'll be here all week.

Or five more minutes.

One can never tell in a war like this.

Ouchouchouch...

Note for someone called 'Self'. Anyone there? Nope. Oh well. Note to whoever's keeping track up there, don't sit up quickly with a bullet wound in your side. Baaaad idea. Up to the feet, sway, sway. Okay, down the stairs, through the hall. No one's in the kitchen with Dina! No one's in the kitchen I knoow. No one's in the kitchen with Dina! No singing in there... But seriously, no one's in the kitchen, or the living room. There's no one here at all.

Huh. Maybe I was right about being dead. So they left me. Okay. Well, it's only a little hike to the Gundams, I'll just check to see if anyone's there before the final diagnosis. I sound like a doctor. Right Doc? Hehehehehe...

Nobody knows, the trouble I've seen! Nobody knows my sorrow! Well, I told you no singing, but ain't it the truth. And nobody WANTS to know about my stupid sorrow. That's why they're all up here, keeping me company. So I won't forget my sorrow. So it will eat me alive and leave me for dead.

Or worse.

Alone.

I shudder. Whether it was the cold or the thoughts... I think it was the thoughts. It isn't all that cold out here. I mean, I can see my breath, but it doesn't FEEL that cold.

The gundam's can't be up much further, can they? My sense of time has kinda skewed a bit.

Doc? Got any pills for that? No? Oh well.

Aha! There they are... Well, there's still two Gundams besides good 'ol Scythe. Wing, and Shenlong. But neither of them would want to talk to us. Me. Them. ME!

I'll just get a little closer to see what's goin' on. See why they're out here, and why the gun went off.

Nononononono... Kami... Nononono. No. I refuse to believe what I'm seeing. Hehehe... I'm seeing things now, aren't I? First those damn spots, and now this.

I didn't know Heero liked WuFei. Oh well. One more hit on the "Duo Maxwell List Of Bad Shit". Hehehe. I never really wanted to be completely sane anyways. I like having these people crowd my head, laughing at me, telling me what a fool I was being, hoping, dreaming, wishing, wanting for Heero to notice to care to anything.

I think I'll sit now. Oh, how convienient. The ground is already there to meet me .

Hmm... Doc? What happened Doc? Oh. Yeah. I remember.

They're still gloating. I'll let them. Because if they're busy gloating, I can be busy packing for a short trip off a long cliff. Or is that a long trip off a short cliff? I get them mixed up. But in the end they both get me to where I want to go. Which is where class? That's right, to hell. With everyone I've ever known. I think I'll take a couple of Leo's with me. They seem more than ready to help me on my way.

Heheheheero...

I can't even laugh. That's never a good sign. They'll notice if I don't laugh. But they're still back there, kissing like there's no tomorrow, and there won't be, will there? No. No no no. Never a tomorrow.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, and all our yesterdays. Keep my yesterdays. Yesterday comes with 32 souls, added to my collection. I call myself Shinigami, but only because I can't deal with it any other way. No one wants to help the crazy person. So if I get them to believe I'm normal... or as normal as we get...Then maybe they'll help me. They'll help me get rid of my sorrow. But we only seem to be getting more this way. So we'll let it go. Drain the sorrow...

Hehehe... I always loved the color of blood. Good thing too, otherwise I'd be in the wrong profession.

Bah-duhn-chh.

Hehehe... Another funny, never to be laughed at. I take that back. Quatre actually laughed at a few of them. Good man, one that can force himself to laugh. He's so polite it actually hurts to see it. Me, I never learned any manners. Yeah yeah Sister, I know. I did learn my P's and Q's. But that whole eating with you're mouth closed is still hard. Not really, but I thought it was funny. I'm really trying here, can't you see that? My lovelifedrugsanityHeero have slipped away. So I'll slip away too. They'll never miss me. They spend so much time ignoring me, they'd never notice when I'd stopped talking and left the room. I never thought that was possible. But being a stealth expert >insert congratulatory music here I'm glad to know it works so well.

That's the thing. You keep talking, and no one suspects that you don't belong there.

I don't belong there. Here. Anywhere. Oh good, the house. It's getting to be dark now. I wonder if the wonderlovers are going to be coming back soon. Ah, I'd better hurry, just in case. Hobble past the bathroom, oh they cleaned up the mirror. I thought that that was just in my head. Good to know. I'm not totally delusional. Yet. I mean, I keep trying, but these things take time. ha. Nope, not funny. I'm losing my knack. Or my will. One or the other. Not that it matters in the end. Nothing matters in the end except the body count.

Carry the four, plus six, add the five...

Inclusive of the ones in my head? Oh, at least 500, but less than 1000. Some of those suits are mobile dolls, they don't count. Of course they can count, they're machines, just like Hee- Laugh now. Laugh so you won't cry. Laugh so that you won't hear your shrunken, black little heart break. It's really very fragile. Naw, who'm I kidding? I don't have a heart. That's why I do this. Right?

I don't know anymore. Uh oh, I think I hear the lovebirds coming back. Quiet...

Stealthy...

Hehehehe... Stealthy... No laughing! Yeah, they're in there, talking quietly. Don't disturb Maxwell. If he wakes up he might see you guys making out and then go off the deep end and try to kill himself. Actually, they'd say something more like "Cause otherwise the ass would start talking and we'd never get any peace. So no talking above a whisper."

"Have fun..." I think I heard my heart break. Just a little bit. Strangely enough, it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But then again, I'm probably so doped up I can't feel my arms as they carry my meager duffel.

Hehehe... I'm thinking of a song. A really old song. It's by a band called Pink Flamingos? Pink Flowers? I can't remember. I do remember the song though. The chorus went like:

_There is no pain, you are receding.  
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.  
You are only coming through in waves.  
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.  
When I was a child I had a fever.  
My hands felt just like two balloons.  
Now I got that feeling once again.  
I can't explain, you would not understand.  
This is not how I am.  
I have become comfortably numb._

_  
_Comfortably numb. I think that's what I am. They're quiet in my head, letting me think. For once. Nononnononono... Need to distract myself, or the high won't last. I'm crashing fast. They swirl around, a crescendo of sound. They talk and they plead. They understand what I need.

My good old buddy Deathscythe. Hoist myself up :ouch: and get into the cockpit. I think that I'll just... sit... here. For awhile...

--------Thanks to my only reviewer, Jiki-No-Tsuki. You made me so happy. Sorry about the crappiness of the chapter, but he's fucking crazy, so get over it.--------


	4. Chapter 4

I hate to interrupt the story's flow, but some of my beloved reviewers (thanks to all of you, btw! XD ) told me that they were confused. Good. That's the point right now. I want to show you what it's like in there, in Duo's head, before everything comes together. If it ever does. This started out as a one chapter thing, then inspiration struck. I love the second chapter, personaly. It might seem a bit hard to follow, but the story so far is: Duo musing about Heero, then Duo in the bathroom of the safehouse talking to the voices in his head. He breaks the mirror, then goes on a mission (presumably with Heero and Wufei) and comes back shot. There's a part in the second chapter that's a bit odd, and that's where he was counting. He's counting bodies first, then counting down seconds until his bombs explode. The third chapter is when he realizes what's going on in his head. Like a dawning of realization. But he doesn't know it yet. The voices are of his dead friends, family. The Church, his gang. They're there to remind him why he's fighting.

Hey, you try losing everyone/thing, and not losing your mind. It's tough. And, for the record, Heero and Wufei are NOT an item. It's a little clearer in this chapter. (I hope!)

I hope that helps some!

----------------------------------------------------------------------YEAH!----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Will everyone kindly shut the fuck up? Please?"

Sounds so stupid to say it out loud, but I really need to think. It's something I usually try to avoid, but I really do now. Run through everything that's happened in the last two days. I mean, you sit around in a huge machine capable of mass amounts of destruction and then you just... think. You aren't doing those mass amounts of destruction (yet), but you think about them.

I can't seem to get away from them. I can't escape. I'm trapped in a loop of memories, not all of which are necessarily ones that I'd like to keep. In fact, some of them are downright distrubing.

I never asked for this. For any of this. Well, maybe the Gundam, but not the rest.

I never wanted a body count at the tender age of fifteen? I'm guesstimating here, I don't know for sure. That's part of it. I'm not sure if my count should be two higher, or if I was just left to start the count.

First the gang, then Solo, then the church. Father. Sister. And all for what? For a cause , for a belief?

What belief? What cause? I don't know. I just fight. I don't reason anything anymore. I've seen too much to believe in anything.

Even those two.

Maybe I'm so doped up I'm seeing things. It could have been anything, looking at it now. Yeah, they were on the floor, close together. Heero on top of 'Fei... But maybe they were wrestling, or Wu Fei got hurt or... Something. Anything to keep me from hitting the button that will start those engines and thake me further away from my life.

My love.

But he doesn't know. I sit there, smiling and babbling and playing the fool.

A joking, laughing, crying fool. All because if they knew the real me, they'd go away. Far away, they'd want nothing to do with me. I'd be left for dead.

Because I'm never alone. Because if I'm ever alone, I'll be dead. That's why they stay. That's why I can't let them go. Becaue when they leave for heaven, and I'm watching them... I won't be there. And the pity... Or even just the uttetly forgotten look...

I know that look. It's the one in Heero's eyes when he looks at me. The one I see everytime I look at Wu Fei. They've forgotten me. I'll still be in the room, or still be talikng, and bam. I'm no loner even registering in their minds as a human being.

I'm nothing to them.

And Quatre just looks at me with his big liquid eyes that know so much more than he lets on... He looks at me with pity. Pity. He thinks that he understands what the hell is going on in here. In my head, but he doesn't. He only thinks he does. As if someone so good at hiding who they are from the world couldn't hide himself from a fucking empath.

Well, that's what he is, isn't it? An empath. Silly Space Heart thingy...

I love him, really, but... Ugh.

And the silent one... Oh King of one-eyed stares... He just sits there. I haven't got a thing to do with him, with his anything. He's just a big, silent asshole.

Hehehehe.

Looks like I've been found out. Hi Heero! I wave jauntily, ignoring that sharp stab of pain that yells "dumbass" in my side. He looks annoyed...In that vague "I have no emotions" face of his. He pulls the rip cord, and I don't know what he plans to do, but I know that he'll never find out what I was going to do.

"This is the war that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends! Some people started fighting it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue fighting it forever just because This is the war that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends! Some people started fighting it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue fighting it forever just because This is -- "

There's no need to scowl so, I'm simply entertaining myself...

"Heero, I'm simply getting my bedrest somewhere other than the bed. Nothing wrong with tha-! Hey! Put me down! Owowowowowowowoowowowowowowww!"

Well, the best part of this could be the view. Nice ass Heero...

---------See You Later--------


	5. Chapter 5

I think that my face must be as red as tomato sauce right now. I just got carried, head to as, for a mile.

FUN!

Not. Hell, even the voices in my head have shut up from all the pain and blood in there.

Heh, maybe I should do this more often...

Besides, I get to look at 'Ro's ass the entire time. I gave up singing after the first two minutes because it hurt too much.

But now that we're at the house again, I feel the inexplicable urge to avoid the subject of life all together.

I wonder if I can play dead long enough to make a getaway?

"WuFei, help me get this baka back to bed. I found him sitting in his Gundam."

Really now? I thought you found me under the leaves of the cabbage patch plants...

"How did he get all the way out there without either one of us noticing?"

"...Don't ask stupid questions 'Fei cakes..."

I grin at him, doing my best to not pant from exhaustion and pain. Heero sets me down on the couch whilst he takes a breather. I guess I'm not as "slim 'n' trim" as I thought... Ha ha ha.

"Maxwell, why on Earth did you find it necessary to go all the way to your gundam with a gunshot wound? What was so important as to aggravate your wounds?"

Just a little thing... my sanity. Nothing much really... Nothing I'd miss.

"No hablo inglés."

"Maxwell!"

"Je ne parle pas anglais."

A growl from WuFei and an eye twitch from Heero.

God I'm good.

"Okay, okay. Don't burst a blood vessel 'Fei. I just had to get out, okay? I felt I needed a little stroll, some fresh air." A bullet to the brain...

"Duo, you have a gunshot wound. You have lost large quantities of blood. You are probably delirious, though with you it's hard to tell -"

"Did you, Heero, king of not having a sense of humor, make a joke? Call the Vatican, we have witnessed a miracle. I'm going to bed now..."

Heero just looked at me like the idiot I know he thinks I am. I think It's okay though. I'll get over it. I have to die sometime... I made a funny.

"You had no reason to even be out of bed, let alone a mile away from it!" That was Wuffers, reminding me that I am an idiot and that I need to be far away from here... soon...

"Well, no one was here, I was bored, and you wouldn't give a shit anyways, so why the fuck should I inform you when you obviously don't care enough to leave me all by my lonesome even while so "grievously" injured."

I made a face on grievously and used air quotes for maximum effect.

"Maxwell, get back in bed. If you need anything, use the comm right next to the bed that we put there, LAST NIGHT for you to contact us in case of your needing something."

Ouch.

I had the decency to cringe.

"Okay, so I fucked up. Jeeze, let it go. It ain't good to bottle it up like that. Just yell and get it over with."

Ooooh I'm so dead... and such a masochist.

WuFei just sighed. "I'm not going to yell anymore Maxwell. Now, let's get you back to bed, alright?"

I stood up, only to fall right over. I guess I got a little stiff over that last half a mile or so. The blinding flash of pain in my middle is enough to make me curl into a ball. I try not to look so pained, simply for the manly factor, but I gave it up as they touched me to pick me up.

"God Maxwell, you're burning up. See, your idiocy has given you a fever. Happy now?"

I think a little bit of my heart just died... or maybe it's just the pain. I can't tell anymore. I think I don't really care. I'm just so tired of being the idiot. So tired of being the one that no one trusts because he always seems, SEEMS mind you, to fuck shit up. Never mind all the things I get right. It's always the things I get wrong that they see. I don't care.

A moment of clarity.

Why should I care what they think?

Oh yeah, because they're the only people I have.

Okay, back to caring.

"Ouch Wuffers, you cut me to the quick." I say, as jokingly as possible so that they won't know how true it is.

"C'mon Duo, upstairs."

"'Kay Heero, whatever you say. Just make it stop hurting."

Make everything stop hurting so much. I think that only you can help me. God... Please help me... I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. And if you and WuFei are as close as I think you are, as I pray you aren't, you won't help.

And I guess that's okay, as long as you're happy.

NOT.

Fuck that shit, my life will still be horrible, be unhappy even if you're happy. None of this "as long as you're happy I'll be fine" crap. That isn't how it works.

"That isn't how it works..." I whisper.

I blame it on delirium!

"What did you say Duo?"

Was that almost caring in your voice? No, I blame the fever for hearing things.

"That this isn't how it works."

"How what works?"

I sighed and curled into myself further.

"Life."

Heero set me on my bed, putting the covers down and covering me up. Pain meds and a glass of water are pressed into my hands.

"Why isn't this how it works?"

I can see the darkness creeping up into my vision. I can feel the numbness... I could get to liking this... But I can hear Sister Helen and Father Maxwell yelling at me to stop avoiding the subject and just tell him...

"Because, you see. The guy and his love always get together, leaving the unrequited lover to die alone. That's just not fair now, is it?"

"No... I guess not."

I hum, feeling sleep nipping at my heels.

"Nope. I hate being the one who has to die alone... But I guess I'm never really alone, right guys...?"

God, I hope I didn't just say that out loud.

One look at Heero's face, and I know I did.

Shit.

I pass out.

---------

Sorry for taking so long. School and uninspiration had a lot to do with it...


	6. Chapter 6

I lose myself in the slow haze of drugs and pain, allowing my faux pas to drift from my mind... Like sand through my fingers... Not unlike the thoughts in my head, drifting, tumbling... Taking me along for a ride down through the dark passages of my mind, my soul.

I have no illusions of innocence, long since defiled within me. However, I do know that even the darkest nights have the stars in them. Tiny spots of light that flicker, but never die completely.

That is what this is... What my life is right now. It's a large night sky, filled with stars. Some of them are farther away, less bright than they used to be; some are closer, but just as pale. Some are like fires, brilliant and warm; some are like embers, still hot yet dimly glowing with an inner light.

That is me.

And those lights, those light my way in the darkness helping me in times like this, times where I need guidance and reassurance.

Reassurance that I'm still here, still alive; despite the whispers in my ears, the death that seems to spread from me like floodwaters. The death that hangs like a cloud, one that everyone simply ignores until it is too late to stop it from coming, that death. I bring fear, I bring death. I am plague, I am pestilence. I am not a reaper of souls though, that is for the true God of Death. I am simply an avatar, sent before him to claim lives, to spread his touch. I am nothing more than his hand, not bringing justice or peace or acceptance... No. I am the one who brings fear, making them realize that there really is a hell, that death will come one day.

Sometime sooner than they had anticipated most times.

Much longer than anticipated in me.

I can feel the bed beneath me, and I know that I'm going to wake. I can feel this clarity, this peace, borne of the drugs and unconciousness... I just want it to last. If this is death, I accept it with open arms.

But those embers are still glowing, still burning. And I must keep them lit until they come to pass judgement with me, when we will finally be free. I will miss them, because I know we aren't in for the same end; yet I know somehow that I won't always be lonely. Won't always be so...

Damnit, I lost it.

Shut up shut up shut up...

So many voices, so many names, memories, lifetimes roll behind my eyes so quickly I forget to breathe as I remember my reason to live, my reason to fight. Those embers are still there, burning holes in my soul, waiting for the day we see one another again...

Man am I poetic today... Yeesh.

"I think he's waking up!" That was Quatre, I know that voice. So soft, yet so strong. He is one of those stars, burning bright.

"His pulse is speeding up. He's awake now."

"Thanks captain obvious. Give him a round of applause." Heero must be glaring by now, but I'm so tired still, I can't seem to open my eyes. I can't seem to get out of this lethargic state.

And I think I'm fine with-- HEY! I was using that! Steal my blanket why don't you? I'm up, I'm up!

"God 'Ro. Coulda just said 'Get up Duo, it's a bright, beautiful day. Come on, I made industrial grade coffe that will strip paint. Want some?' But noooo."

I think I could fall over. Wufei just LAUGHED. I think I'm still halucinating, and say as much.

"No. And don't think it'll happen again." His scowl is enough to check my cheeky answer, choosing instead to sit up and put my cold feet on the floor. I try to forget everything from the past few days, and focus on the here and now.

"So Quat, when did you and uni-bang get in? I musta been real doped up not to notice!"

They all looked... sheepish wasn't the word. Not guilty... Concerned maybe? But surely not for little ole me? Right?

"You were out for a week, Duo. Your fever was the first sign of a blood infection, and it put you into a comatose state. But we got you the antibiotics in time and now you're all better. You're wound is all healed up -- "

"For oncee," added Heero.

"Because you stayed still." That was Wufei.

"And in bed." Trowa.

"And now we can get you and Deathscythe to your rendevous point. You have a mission three days from now. Herro will breif you on it." I rolled my eyes.

"And here I thought that you missed my wonderous company." I tried not to let the sarcasm drip in there TOO much... But it probably didn't work. They all (well, except Quatre) gave me a pointed stare. The silent communication was one of "Yeah the hell right. It was quiet. It was NICE."

I stood up, thankfully steady on my feet. I did feel better. It no longer hurt to breathe, and I wasn't falling all over myself.

"Well, hate to seem anxious, but I've gotta get moving. Stuff to do, gotta pee... All that good stuff." There were sighs and grunts. They all filed out of the room. I collapsed back on the bed after they were gone. My hands went into my hair, tugging at the roots, trying to center myself.

I was going to be fine. I was going to be the same as always, the joker, the fool, the idiot and the screwup. If only because I'd break if I wasn't. They'd break without someone to distract them, without me to keep them laughing. Or glaring, or grimacing. It was all the same to me. I got up off the bed, and decided to shower first. I had that "I've been sick and lying in the same bed for a week" smell going on. I'm amazed they didn't need gas masks. I did... Pee-yew! I got my clothes and a towel, opting for a quick shower, then food. I'd not had more than an occasional IV I'm sure, and hell, maybe I even lost weight. Not that I had much to lose. I wasn't exactly on the heavy side, despite my little session with Heero the other day.

'Nononononono... Will not think about that, will not think about those memories. Things are just fine... Just the way they are. Nothing is going to get to me. I'm just the backround noise. I'm just the distraction. I can live with that. Nothing's going to touch me. The glares, the insults, the wicked barbs of hatred and contempt... Nothing.'

I sauntered to the shower as best I could, and sat heavily on the toilet. I was worse for the wear really. I hurt still, and my side was tender. My feet felt leaden and my tounge was sticking to the roof of my really NASTY mouth. Eww. I really hope I had a toothbrush in here somewhere... There it is! I brushed my teeth and turned on the shower, peeling sweat-soaked, crunchy clothing off and untying my frazzled braid. I stepped into the shower, and shut down my brain. I went into a state of bliss, a nirvana of sorts, one that was making this day a little better already. I whipped through my routine, and got out as quickly as possible, trying to keep the shower-related insults to a minimum. The only thing left to do was asses my woundage and get dressed.

I looked at the bullet's puckered scar, adding it to another mental tally of scars, inside and out. It looked okay, still tender, but otherwise healing nicely.

Shut up Solo, it isn't anything big, just another wound. Just another souvenier of a life that never should have been, and in all probability will cease to be soon.

It's a war out there, you never know...

I dress in my jeans and black long-sleeved tee, pushing the sleeves up to my elbows. I didn't think I needed to have my wrist sheathes on at the moment, so I could go without for a while. I'd still have my gun, so I wasn't totally unarmed.

I opened the door to the bathroom to find Wufei leaning against the wall.

"About time. You were in there forever."

"I was in the same clothes and the same bed for a week. I'm entitled to a bit of clean-freakiness." No bitterness in that statement. None at all. I was proud.

Shut up... I'm allowed private victories.

"Get downstairs, Yuy is waiting to brief you in the kitchen. There's some food too, if you're hungry." I was almost fooled into thinking that he actually cared about the state of my stomache. Almost.

"Yummy. Rations?" A nod. I grimaced.

"Think my stomache just went into hiding." Was that a SMILE? What the hell?

"Only Yuy could enjoy those things. I've tried to ignore the taste, but it's the texture really..." Wufei made a face, startling a laugh out of me. The first true laugh in quite some time.

"Whew, I'm not the only one who'd rather eat sawdust then a rations packet!" An actual, honest to god laugh from Wufei. What planet was I on, and how did I get off? I smiled a bit and went downstairs to find Heero and pretend that I hadn't confessed my love. Maybe he'd write it off as a delusion from the fever.

I hoped that would be a good enough excuse...

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So yeah. He is a little more coherent in this one, but he's also still got lingering bits of drugs in his system. What will happen next to our favorite pilot? Will 01 really kill him for his feverish ramblings, or will he kiss him, proclaiming his undying love... For socks?

Yeah.

Review. Please. I'm begging.


	7. Chapter 7

Joker's Smile 7

Sorry for the wait...

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I waltzed into the kitchen, hair still dripping in the braid, feet slapping bare flesh on the cold tiles of the floor. I made sure to make noise as I approached- I was injured enough thank you very much. I didn't want Heero to 'accidentally' shoot me. Or maybe I did... No, I will not think horrible death-y thoughts.

Oops...I just had another one... I need a spanking...Want to help Mr Yuy?

"So, mission...?"

I reached the table and sat gingerly on one of the chairs; the one with the flamingos painted on the back, we only have three that match. I grimace to think of the ration pack I'm about to try to stomach...

Thank you Heero, for handing me my ever-so delightful bag of pseudo-flavored mealpack made of industrial waste and paint thinner. Yummy.

"Looks delicious." I say, with no little humor, my eyes had stayed firmly glued to the pack as I open it and try to look at all hungry.

"We have an infiltrate-recon mission."

"Isn't that Trowa's expertise?" Nothing funny about that... But I could make a joke about finally fitting in- you don't have to talk on guard duty. Nahhh.

"He is currently packing to go to the Victoria Base, we are to infiltrate and reconnoiter without casualties. If spotted, try to avoid killing unless necessary. We all know that casualties happen, but they need to be lowered if possible."

"I think you just used your word quota for the afternoon." Open mouth, insert foot. Hmmm... Maybe the foot would taste better... I stare longingly at my feet, trying to decide which one I like the least. No offense to the loser. I think I like them equa-

"Sorry, say again? I didn't catch that last bit." Yeah, the bit about us. Together. In a school. For a week. Seven days. Oh God... Why do you hate me so?

"We will be going into a school on the edge of the Sanq kingdom- one preferably where that girl is not attending, and we will be students there for a week as we infiltrate to find the mole in the teachers. It may even be a student passing along information."

"I thought that's what I heard... But I thought it best to check before questioning my sense of hearing." Yes, you COULD laugh there. But you SHOULDN'T. It's not that funny. How come you laugh at- oh nevermind.

"Heero, which foot d'you like the least? Cause I'm not liking the look of this rations packet, and I'm willing to branch out and try new things."

Don't stare at me like that. It's rude.

"Why would you entertain thoughts of eating your foot? The rations packets-"

"Are completely disgusting, really Heero. I can't stand them. They suck. Ask anyone. Except Trowa. He might agree with you. He's weird like that."

"Hn. Baka." Sure, turn around and leave. I didn't ask you a question...Yeesh...

"The left one is slightly less...appealing than the right one."

I can't stop the gobsmacked look that blanks over my face. He just-

"Hey! My left foot is totally gonna kick your ass Yuy!"

And oooh what fun it would be...

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Okay, note to that person that keeps hiding in there, you know, 'Self'. Don't threaten one Heero Yuy in the morning. He's grouchy. Or anytime really. He's always grouchy. Except when he's not. Then he's angry. Or possibly confused. That one happens quite a bit.

Like earlier today, before we headed out, we were in the hangar and he looked at me. Just... looked at me and almost- almost mind you- smiled. SMILED!

Okay, so maybe he was remembering something really nice about Wu-bear, or maybe how nice it was to embarrass Duo by dragging him home over his shoulder...

Not going there. Just...

Those damned voices are yelling at me again. Calling me twelve kinds of fool for not ditching and going at it alone. But I can't. Because this is where I have to be. I have to do my missions. I have to...I have so much to atone for...

He just stared at me when I sighed, and I tried to pass it off as a yawn, thinking "Oh yeah, that'll work..." It didn't, by the way. Here he comes, up the rip cord. What does he want to do to poor 'ole Maxwell now?

"Hello? To what do I owe the pleasure of your esteemed company?" I try to play off my nervousness at his closeness. He looks at me, and I can feel him SEE. Not just look. He's finally gone and Seen me, and at the worst possible time too.

"Why do you sigh like that? I knew you were joking about the feet thing, and I'm sure you understood that I was joking. What has you so upset that you feel the need to sigh about it?"

I think he got insulted by the look on my face. It was a mix of shock and pain. Shock at his perceptiveness, his words. The fact that he could form complete sentences more than twice a day. And pain, because I knew that this would hurt me much more than him.

"I know you were joking, just like I knew I was joking. Well, maybe. I'm still partial to the right one though, don't tell the left. Look, I know that under that sociopathic exterior you've got a complete understanding of the world and the emotions that go with it. You might not think so, but I can see it in you. Me, I'm just lamenting your ability to be both perceptive and obtuse at the same time. You know what it is you see, but you don't understand what it means. Or you see the skewed version of something and take it face value because you don't believe that there's more to it." I cocked my head, listening to the argument going on in my skull. I can hear bets being place, I think. On whether or not he'll kill me for this.

Five bucks on the 10-to-1 odds of him hitting me. Throw in an extra five for the one about him hitting the face.

He stared at me. I think he's trying to figure me out."You're putting me in little categorical boxes, aren't you?" Yesyesyes.

He blushed, just a slight red tinge to his cheeks...

"I... I can't seem to put you in any one place..."

I smile, that fractured smile. The one that only the me in the mirror gets to see. He won't understand what it means anyways...

"That's because we don't fit in a little box Heero. We're so much more than you think we are..."

Shit. I said that.

I really just said that.

Stop calling me an idiot, and just get those endorphins ready. I feel a need to run and hide coming on...

But he's just staring at me, as though he's starting to get a bit more of the bigger picture.

We laugh...

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Three days.

Three days of HELL.

Being so close to something you want and not being able to communicate with him... I mean it... Oops... Oh well. I know that it's wrong to want to have hot monkey sex with your partner, but DAMN. You look at him and tell me you wouldn't do him.

That's what I thought Solo.

We didn't have a room together thank GOD. But that almost made it worse, because we shared a quad room, with three strange boys, all of them teasing us for our hair and our eyes. They hated us. Me. We. Whoever this is. I can feel the nightmares... I can see the red tinge around the edges of the room as I listen to the snores of the three of them, but I know that as soon as I move that mole (who sleeps five feet away from me) will stop pretending to sleep and come after me. Yeah, sure, he's fifteen. And I'm a close personal friend of General Khrushenada's.

Snort.

I turn over in my bed to face the outside, not trusting enough to turn my back. I can hear the snores falter a bit. A sure sign of the clever trap. But I'm not the one they're looking for. Nope.

I'm just a transfer student, annoying, pesky, and overall agreeable to a fault.

I don't think I can take it much more. I'm good at hiding, but after three nights of this, I'm ready to crack and take him out back. Heero would help me hide the body.

What're friends for?

Stop laughing at that in there,.it's the truth. Real friends help you bury the bodies. No better bond than that of killing the annoying people in your life.

Insert laugh here.

I can hear Heero through the earpiece. He's rifling through the records, trying to find the mole. I want to tell him that he's right here, but I can't talk without alerting them...

"02...I think I found him. Ronald Presoit. He's in room 219... 02...That's."

I can hear the little hamsters running harder as he tries to figure out how to extract me and not alert the mole.

I murmur a bit, it's an affirmative, and he understands, but I hope it passed as a bit of disrupted sleep...Shit.

I can hear the snore getting a bit closer, and the soft barely-there footsteps as he moves for the kill. Or capture... Not sure exactly what his plan is, considering the fact that I'm not a voice in his head, nor he in mine.

Thank goodness.

He's annoying as it is, and that's something I don't need. Another annoying voice in my head.

I pretend to sleep still, my hand on the gun under the pillow as well as the knife in my hand under the sheet. He won't get me. Not alive anyways.

I can hear the steady breathing as he gives up the snoring routine. Yeah, brilliant. You were doing so well. I think you deserve an award for best acting in the dorm setting. Wonderful.

We tighten the grip on the hilt, unnoticeable to the target.

I need him alive...Damnit. I forgot that.

I can see his eyes. Windows to the soul. He's green. Experienced in the training, probably on his fourth or fifth assignment, but he's never had to get so close. Never had to hold a weapon and use it against an actual opponent. I can see the flash of fear in his eyes. And I open mine fully.

He stares into my eyes...Our eyes. I let him see the madness, the sadness and the hate. The blood that fills my heart and mind and soul and covers me like a dark shroud. Covers me like water, ever flowing fresh and wet and glistening in the light of my ember-ous spark.

Okay, I know that ember-ous isn't a word... but work with me here, okay? I'm cranky I haven't slept in three nights, and the stimulants are wearing thin.

Stimulants aren't good for you either.

After two days, you start to see things in the shadows, in the corners of your eyes. You start doubting what is real, questioning what is and isn't.

You see things that you know can't be real. But you can only hope that you are dreaming. And you are because your brain is trying to process everything and since you won't sleep, it has to work on it while you're awake.

And that's never a good thing, especially when you have dreams like mine.

Not of fires and wars and the deaths of the hundreds of people you've killed... But of normality and blank stares. You don't see those frightening images, not at night.

You see them everywhere in the daylight though. When you can remember them, when they're the scariest.

Oh, I forgot mister Mole over there.

"Hello Ronald. Up for a glass of water? I know I don't have one, but I'm sure that the bathroom down the hall would have some water. Goodnight."

I try to unnerve him by giving him an out. He can take the bait and he'll meet Heero in the bathroom, or he can pursue me and possibly break his cover as well as mine. I'd choose the latter. It's possible he doesn't know about Heero being another infiltrator.

"What, are you scared of the dark? Do you need someone to go with you?"

I could hear his rumble of dissatisfaction. I gave him a grin that showed too many teeth, more of a preditorial snarl than smile.

It was, after all, a predator-prey situation. But which was who and who was which?

Hahahaha. I made a funny.

"Alright, alright. I'll take you just this once. But really, I'm new here, why didn't you ask Jim over there?"

I got up, the knife hidden under the loose sleeve, fitting into the sheathe without a sound. I love my knives...

I padded out the door, quiet but not stealthy, I didn't want to really give myself away.

We stopped at the door to the john, and I motion for him to enter first. I could hear Heero whisper a confirmation on his position behind door number one. What I didn't expect was the wild swing at me with the knife. I ducked away and sliced upwards, only to encounter the rest of the gang. Damn, all three were spies...Or maybe they just were looking for the chance to get at the girly-boy.

Heh, I'd kicked all their asses at basketball, and when Heero and I teamed up it was a massacre of a bloodless sort.

I couldn't dance away from the hands that were grabbing at me, all at once. The grunted as I got a few cuts in (I'm not a Gundam Pilot for nothing yanno!) but they did outweigh me and I was running on borrowed time. I got this in the still-healing gunshot wound, bending me over, breathless and vulnerable. The voices screamed at me, calling my attention to the fact that they were still holding me, two behind and two in front. Ronald held a nasty looking knife, and I heard Heero stalk quietly towards us (the earpiece echoed with the sounds of my beating) with a menacing air. I knew that look...

But the goons holding me didn't. They saw 'James', my partner in basketball. Maybe they thought it coincidence, but after a second Ronald caught on and signaled for the one in front to deal with Heero as he took the initiative to stab me.

Have I mentioned lately that I am apparently accident prone all of a sudden? I could hear Heero beating the crap out of them, and managed to get out a "don't kill them...yet" before succumbing to the fire radiating from my chest.

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Hate me, it's alright. I know it's been a while...a loooong while. But I have to have inspiration to write, and I wasn't crazydepressed enough to write on this one. I don't know about this chapter... I haven't decided if it really fits or not.

Give me comments, questions, concerns or flames.

It's all good to me.


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